September 2010
How to Be Popular at LACC As we rabid news-hounds at The Norwegian go about our fact-finding missions here on campus, we see pretty much all there is to see. What we often meet with are students new to this college who are sometimes just a little bit unsure of themselves. Perhaps you are one of those students? Do you want to be popular but don’t know how to make that happen? Look no further than your Norwegian for the answer!
Here at LACC, what we really love are LOUDMOUTHS who disrupt our classrooms, computer labs and our gazillion-dollar MLK Library. Hey! Maybe YOU are a LOUDMOUTH yourself! Have you ever noticed how everyone is looking your way? Okay, they are not looking at you as if they love you, but that’s just jealousy, isn’t it? Popularity! Sometimes someone may even tell you to SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH. Listen, newbies, take the advice of your Norwegian, and pay no attention to those geeks who are here in order to create a brighter future for themselves. You just keep mouthing off everywhere and anywhere, and your popularity level will remain just as high as it has always been!
Here at LACC, what we really love are LOUDMOUTHS who disrupt our classrooms, computer labs and our gazillion-dollar MLK Library. Hey! Maybe YOU are a LOUDMOUTH yourself! Have you ever noticed how everyone is looking your way? Okay, they are not looking at you as if they love you, but that’s just jealousy, isn’t it? Popularity! Sometimes someone may even tell you to SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH. Listen, newbies, take the advice of your Norwegian, and pay no attention to those geeks who are here in order to create a brighter future for themselves. You just keep mouthing off everywhere and anywhere, and your popularity level will remain just as high as it has always been!
“If you want to be loved, try being lovable.”
Katatinka Caroon, Editor-in-Chief, The Norwegian
"Well you're a Loudmouth, baby. You better shut it up."
The Ramones, Loudmouth
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*OUR COLLEGE IS FOR US,*
*NOT FOR LOUDMOUTHS.*
*NOT FOR LOUDMOUTHS.*
The 10 Commandments of Loudmouths
1. Thy shalt whine with thy whole heart, thy whole mind and thy whole soul.2. Thy neighbor shalt whine as thyself, loudly.
3. Thou shalt blame other people at all times.
4. Thou shalt disrupt public places whither-so-ever thou goest.
5. Thou shalt shout at those who ask thee politely to be quiet.
6. Thou shalt never be on time.
7. Thou shalt complain to the unemployed about how tired thy job makes thee.
8. Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s homework.
9. Thou shalt bear false witness against those that disagree with thee.
10. Thou shalt never be happy.
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Fun Facts of Norway: “Land of the Midnight Sun” Norway is way up on top of Europe somewhere, and in the summertime they get sun all day and all night on account of Geography.
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SPIRIT OF THE ZEITGEIST
Your Norwegian takes a bold stand with
THE NEW SEASON'S SEXUALS
by Lord Augustus Killingsby-Chumley-Smythe
All of us educated intellectual types here at LACC understand that there is only one important subject on earth, nay, there is only one subject on earth period, and that is the subject of my sexual preference. Life is about nothing whatsoever except sex, sexuality, sexual preference and Sexuals.
Now, boys and girls, you probably think you’re pretty smart and that you already know all about Sexuals, but do you really? You know Homosexuals and Heterosexuals, Bisexuals and Transsexuals, but do you know the Sexual that Dares Not Speak Its Name? Do you know that 95% of the students on this campus have exactly the same Sexual Preference, and yet when we express this preference we are spoken to as if there is something wrong with us? Allow me to be the first to take this plunge, to face this challenge, to go where no one has gone before and admit that I Am What I Am: I am a ‘We Don’t Want to Hear You-SEXUAL.’ And if they’ve got any gumption, 95% of those reading this will admit that they are ‘We Don’t Want to Hear You-SEXUALS’ too. You will admit your secret longings for peace and quiet in that (How Much Did It Cost?) MLK Library, in our computer labs and classrooms. You know you aren’t getting what you really crave, what you really need, and what your heart would soar for when you lie in your bed at night! Quiet! Peace and Quiet to get your work done! What an orgasmic relief it would be to be able to work, to be able to hear lectures, without experiencing the never-ending coitus interruptus of ‘Loudmouth-SEXUALS!’ Are "We Don't Want to Hear You-SEXUALS" to be eternally despised for our passionate and overwhelming desires for learning and productivity? Can we help it if we were born this way? It’s our sex! Sex and willies!
It’s about ears, boys and girls. Ears are orifices too! Sex is in the mind, and we can’t keep our minds on sex what with all the racket going on in that library, our classrooms and computer labs. Ears, though far from being between our legs, are a vital component of our sexuality. Scientists have recently discovered that our ears are as sensitive as a clitoris or that bit near the top of a penis.
THE NOISE THOSE PEOPLE MAKE IS MENTAL RAPE. COMPASSION FOR ‘WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOU–SEXUALS’ IS LONG OVERDUE---
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH TODAY?
SIGN THE PETITION:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/8/we-dont-want-to-hear-you-club/
Coming soon from Lord Augustus: "We Don't Work in Groups- SEXUALS!!!" -- another widespread yet way alternative sex practice for the no-holds-barred Sexuals of the New Generation!
mailto:wedontwanttohearyouclub@hotmail.com
http://www.wedontwanttohearyouclub.blogspot.com/
Your Collegian has more money.
Your Norwegian is more funny.
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Due to popular demand, in this
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH TODAY?
WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU.
SIGN THE PETITION:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/8/we-dont-want-to-hear-you-club/
Coming soon from Lord Augustus: "We Don't Work in Groups- SEXUALS!!!" -- another widespread yet way alternative sex practice for the no-holds-barred Sexuals of the New Generation!
mailto:wedontwanttohearyouclub@hotmail.com
http://www.wedontwanttohearyouclub.blogspot.com/
Your Collegian has more money.
Your Norwegian is more funny.
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Due to popular demand, in this
EXTRA SPECIAL LATE EDITION OF YOUR NORWEGIAN
Lord Augustus Killingsby-Chumley-Smythe holds forth on MORE OF
THE NEW SEASON’S SEXUALS!!!
Now, boys and girls, despite pressing personal concerns, I have rallied my strength to provide you here and now with the SEX information you need in order to be sexually informed in today’s world of sex, sex and more sex. Now, this next Sexual we’ll be discussing will probably come as no surprise to you, as many of you out there have suspected, at one time or another, that you yourself have, as I do, very strong tendencies towards this particular Sexual Preference. I am speaking of course about those of us who identify as ‘We Don’t Work in Groups-Sexuals.” Despite the fact that my We Don’t Work in Groups-Sexuality and my sexual needs have been long ignored by the faculty at Los Angeles City College, I wear my ‘We Don’t Work in Groups-Sexuality with pride. So should you. We need to come together. Let’s face it, ‘We Don’t Work in Groups-Sexuals’ are quick to spot each other, especially in the early days of a term, so let’s join forces as people who have something in common with each other, as opposed to the “Meet Your Brand-New Stalker” mentality inherent in the forced group companionship of those whom we do not sexually desire. We have tried behaving civilly to teachers who ignore our sexual needs merely because of prejudice and bigotry towards our sexuality. No matter how often or however stridently we claim our rights as We Don’t Work in Groups-Sexuals, teachers keep trying to stick us into groups, when for goodness sake, this is SEX we are talking about here! For some, groups are a pleasure. For us, groups are grotesque. It is our sex, penises and vaginas. See those squeamish-looking individuals trying to make themselves invisible over there in the corner? Those are the unconsidered We Don’t Work in Groups-Sexuals trying to shy away from the unnatural proximity of the ubiquitous ‘I Want You to Carry Me Every Step of the Way-Sexuals,’ undoubtedly one of the largest Sexual groups in Los Angeles. Group sex? No, thanks! Group homework? Eeeeew! More like a Group Grope, if you ask me, what with the “I Want You to Carry Me Every Step of the Way-Sexuals” groping one’s notes, groping one’s books, wanting to set up conference calls, and wanting to give you some hard luck story into the bargain. Times are hard all over, I Want You to Carry Mes!
Sign the petition:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/we-dont-work-in-groups-club
Sign the petition:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/we-dont-work-in-groups-club
Boys and girls, I must dash now, but before I do, I feel the need to spare a few moments more in order to at least touch upon a phenomenon with which we are all familiar but perhaps for which some of us have had no name. Spitting it out as I must, I am talking about, of course---The Michael Moore-Sexual. This is a sad sort of sexuality. It is a sexuality that is never ever truly fulfilled or satisfied, and sex is such an important part of our lives that we must stop briefly to consider the plight of the ever-growing number of Michael Moore-Sexuals to be found across the globe. These are sad individuals indeed. Let us keep a few moments' silence for them……………. ……………………………………………………………………………….. and now let us speak with an honesty that borders on brutality and say that a Michael Moore-Sexual is a Sexual that wakes up every morning and looks in the mirror and still hates itself as much as it did when it went to bed the night before. The MMS then turns its self-loathing outward and projects its own self-hatred at perfectly innocent individuals and convinces itself that it is those individuals who are hateful and not the MMS itself.
Many have said that the MMS is simply the I Want You to Carry Me Every Step of the Way-Sexual writ large, and perhaps this is partly true. But the fact is, both these Sexuals need to learn to stand on their own two feet. If standing is difficult for them, perhaps they should try losing some weight. Perhaps if they lost some weight, they wouldn’t hate themselves so much.Then the rest of us wouldn’t have to go through life suffering the unceasing and undeserved slings and arrows of the MMS who wants to blame, for its own self-loathing, those of us who hide our pain and put a brave face on things. We Don’t Want to Hear You, MMS.
Sorry, boys and girls,...got a bit carried away towards the end there....Ta-Ta for now, from your Lordship: Augustus, Lord Killingsby-Chumley-Smythe
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To All Norwegian Readers
from Katatinka Caroon, your Editor-in-Chief
Although this is your first exposure to the wisdom of Lord Augustus, who is a Lord, an Aristocrat and Upper-Crust person, I wish to exhort you to show your appreciation for His Lordship's time and effort by expressing your thanks to him via this blog. Lord Augustus, as condescending as he is, has worshipfully requested that I also invite you to share your sexual preferences, no matter how arcane or insane you perhaps feel they may be. For example, perhaps you secretly--and sexually--wish those people who do not flush toilets would. It could be anything like that, anything at all. It's all sex, isn't it? Genitalia.
Also, should you see Augustus, Lord Killingsby-Chumley-Smythe out and about on campus, I implore you to make your gratitude evident to him by giving him either your cell phone or a dollar.
Until next time! This is--Your Norwegian!--signing out!
Many have said that the MMS is simply the I Want You to Carry Me Every Step of the Way-Sexual writ large, and perhaps this is partly true. But the fact is, both these Sexuals need to learn to stand on their own two feet. If standing is difficult for them, perhaps they should try losing some weight. Perhaps if they lost some weight, they wouldn’t hate themselves so much.Then the rest of us wouldn’t have to go through life suffering the unceasing and undeserved slings and arrows of the MMS who wants to blame, for its own self-loathing, those of us who hide our pain and put a brave face on things. We Don’t Want to Hear You, MMS.
Sorry, boys and girls,...got a bit carried away towards the end there....Ta-Ta for now, from your Lordship: Augustus, Lord Killingsby-Chumley-Smythe
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To All Norwegian Readers
from Katatinka Caroon, your Editor-in-Chief
Although this is your first exposure to the wisdom of Lord Augustus, who is a Lord, an Aristocrat and Upper-Crust person, I wish to exhort you to show your appreciation for His Lordship's time and effort by expressing your thanks to him via this blog. Lord Augustus, as condescending as he is, has worshipfully requested that I also invite you to share your sexual preferences, no matter how arcane or insane you perhaps feel they may be. For example, perhaps you secretly--and sexually--wish those people who do not flush toilets would. It could be anything like that, anything at all. It's all sex, isn't it? Genitalia.
Also, should you see Augustus, Lord Killingsby-Chumley-Smythe out and about on campus, I implore you to make your gratitude evident to him by giving him either your cell phone or a dollar.
Until next time! This is--Your Norwegian!--signing out!
